Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
