OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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