Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
