doug butabi!
steve butabi!
hotties wanna shake it
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
