I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
