i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
honey bunches of taint.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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