I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
