is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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