I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
