WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize