don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
