I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
