We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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