I could make wine with my vomit
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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