this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
