If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i just had sex bonerless
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
