dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
