I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
