My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
