Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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