You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
