Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
