then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
