Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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