Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
