so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
