A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
