So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
