T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
