you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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