I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
