I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
