Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
