Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
