I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
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