dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
