he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
