I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
it's great music for shaving your balls
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
