You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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