I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
