Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
