So drunk its hurt
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
