On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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