toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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