Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
tonight lets celebrate not being married
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
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