why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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