after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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