I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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