I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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