Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
